In the spirit of Halloween, we are taking a look at some of the spookiest headlines concerning the LA Clippers this offseason.
It’s almost Halloween! As people everywhere are totally in the spooky season mood, fans of the LA Clippers know what scares us the most – another Lakers title.
I’ve peered into my crystal ball, and the Other Side has presented me with some terrifying headlines from newspapers in nearby dimensions. I decided to share some of them with you today! Some of these are scary for the rest of the NBA, and some of them are scary for the LA Clippers.
(And of course, none of them are actually real headlines.)
BREAKING: Kawhi Leonard undergoes experimental knee procedure – won’t need to load manage
Mark this as scary for the rest of the league. It seems that Kawhi Leonard has spent the offseason in Bavaria, where some previously unknown doctor, Doctor V. Frankenstein, has put him through a very experimental procedure. It’s all really hush hush, but the outcome is that Kawhi has a brand new knee!
BREAKING: Steve Ballmer to sell the team, Tilman Fertitta will now own two teams
After a few years without a championship, Ballmer has been given an offer he couldn’t refuse. Rockets owner Tilman Fertitta offered to equip the entire analytics department with the newest Windows release, and he will also be replacing the button down shirt that Ballmer ripped in the Clippers-Lakers game. In return, he will gain possession of the LA Clippers. Fertitta is in the process of finding where to cut costs and nobody is safe.
BREAKING: Luka Doncic a Clipper, Dallas done with their star
In a shocking turn of events, the world woke up early to a Woj bomb: Luka Doncic has been traded to the Clippers. Coach Carlisle is said to be “fed up” with having a star who isn’t a defensive plus, and he has had his eye on Patrick Beverley for a time now. This is effectively a 1-to-1 swap, but Seth Curry will also be thrown in to make the money work.
BREAKING: Kawhi Leonard professes love for country music, demands trade to Memphis Grizzlies
We didn’t see this one coming, but Leonard claims we should have. It turns out that Kawhi’s time in Texas made him a country music aficionado, and he is demanding to be moved to Tennessee. When asked about the sudden turn, Kawhi had this to say:
“What do you mean sudden turn? I’ve been hinting at this since getting to LA. In my first introduction I opened with ‘hey hey hey,’ which was clearly a reference to the song ‘Hey Hey Hey’ by the LoCash Cowboys, based out of Nashville.’
BREAKING: Zu and PG spent offseason running, ready for big minutes
Ivica Zubac and Paul George have gotten themselves ready for huge minutes next season. Inspired by the running scene in their favorite film, Forrest Gump, Zu and PG spent the offseason running from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean. This suuuuuuuper-marathon has gotten both guys in the best shape of their lives, and both are said to be ready to play more than 40 minutes a game.
Watch out league! The Clips will now be able to play all of their starters huge minutes, and this should spell big things for their title chances.
These are all the headlines that the crystal ball showed me. A quick reminder that these aren’t real, but just having fun. What headlines would scare you the most? Let us know on Twitter and Facebook, and stay tuned here for all things LA Clippers!