“Off The Record”: News From Around The League


Hey all, Shortwhiteboy is gonna be introducing a new regular column today called “Off The Record.”  It’ll feature the same stories that everyone else is jabbering on about, but we here will have exclusive, never-heard-before-or-after quotes that reveal the innermost thoughts of those involved.  You may ask, how Shortwhiteboy, are you able to get such delicious nuggets?  It’s because I’m willing to do anything to get you what you want, including bribing janitors, hiring spies, planting bugs, downright lying that “sure this is off the record,” and okay, just making this crap up.  The news is true, the quotes… well, that’s up to you to decide.  So without further ado…

Bobcats decide to make Sean May an unrestricted free agent rather than a restricted one where they could match any other offers he gets.  In other words, they couldn’t care less if he stays or goes.  Man, they know how to make a player feel good about himself, huh?  Oh, and in case you think they just did it because they’re trying to do the Donald Sterling and not pay anyone, they did make Ray Felton a restricted agent.  When the Bobcats GM, all time-great Michael Jordan, was asked why Felton was given the offer and not May, MJ stated, “Duuuuh!  It’s cuz May sucks.  Dude’s so fat, when he turns swiftly his butt knocks over dump trucks.”

Phil Jackson has the Lakers so whipped that they actually offered to let him only have to coach home games.  He countered with, “Can you move the arena closer to my house so I can walk over?”  Mitch Kupchak replied, “Hey, how much could it cost to airlift Staples Center across town?  I bet we can even get taxpayers to pay for it.”

PJ, “Oh, and sometimes my toesies hurt, could I show up in just my socks?”

Mitch, “Um, when you say just socks, are we talking no pants or-“

PJ, “No, no, of course I’d wear pants.  I’m a professional.”

“Then yeah, I don’t think that’d be a problem.”

PJ, “And uh, can I bring my, y’know…”

“Yes, you can bring your blanky.”

“Mitch, you’ve got yourself a deal!  …Oh, plus I don’t work on odd numbered days.  See ya!”

The T-Wolves traded Randy Foye, their second best player (after Big Al Jefferson), and perhaps their fourth best player, Mike Miller (after #3 Kevin Love) to the Wizards for a bunch of useless players and the #5 pick in what most experts is saying is an extremely weak draft.  When new GM David Kahn was asked why he was doing this when it was highly unlikely that they’d draft a better player than young Foye who’s still on a dirt-cheap rookie contract, he replied, “After my recent firing of Kevin McHale, people felt disoriented.  So I made a really terrible trade in order for the fans to feel more at home and like nothing’s changed.”  When the Wiz were contacted for their feelings on the trade they said, “No backsy-taxsies.  They took their finger off the players, so they can’t take back the move.”  When Shortwhiteboy told them they were in the clear, they then expounded:  “Look, we’ll be honest: we figured even if Arenas comes back at 100% that we’d never be more than a middling team, so this is like Christmas in June.  I mean we now have 5 players who have averaged 15+ points a game.  Yeah, they’re pretty much all perimeter players, but now we have tradeable assets.  C’mon, with Isaiah Thomas no longer a GM, no one would take any of our lame guys.  Sure, Etan Thomas has been semi-decent, and that boy can write decent poetry, but let’s be honest, the Russian dude in the trade, Olekissskovyichanitch Peckeroff or whatever, I kept trying to offer him to other teams but I couldn’t even pronounce his name right.  When I tried saying his name to one GM, the guy thought I was having a heart attack right there on the phone.  Another GM bet me his mother that I’d made the Ruskie up ‘cuz he’d never heard of him and swore no one in the NBA went by that name.”

Bucks trade Richard Jefferson, their best two-way player, to the Spurs for old washed-up players Bruce Bowen, Kurt Thomas, and Fabricio “I was kicked out of the rotation by Matt Bonner” Oberta.  This once again solidifies Spurs’ GM RC Buford as the best in the biz.  Everyone had been signing the death knoll for the Spurs after they were beaten by the Mavs in the playoffs this year (even though big time player Manu Ginobili was out so they definitely weren’t anywhere near full strength).  This now gives Popovitch a fearsome foursome of Timmy Duncan, Manu, RJ and Tony “Don’t Call Me Mr.Eva Longoria” Parker.  Plus they have some decent depth with other recent infusions of new blood Roger Mason Jr., Ime Udoka, George Hill, and even Drew Gooden is solid if he’s the backup PF.  Also the Bucks are expected to release Bowen, so it’s possible he may even be back in San Antone before all’s done.  Yup, the West just got very interesting.  Meanwhile the Bucks continued trading, actually doing a good one by swapping the barely acquired Oberto for young athletic prospect Amir Johnson from the Pistons.  As for the rest of the RJ trade… The Bucks claimed they weren’t being cheap bastards but rather that they were trying to save $ so they can resign Charlie Villanueva and Ramon Sessions, both of whom are decent on offense but ineffective on defense.  When asked why they traded RJ, who was clearly their best player after Michael Redd went down for the season with a scratch on his elbow, the Bucks responded, “We’ve got a really great defensive-minded coach in Scott Skiles, so we figured we should get rid of our one star who actually plays D.  What fun is it coaching a guy who already knows what he’s doing?  This should make things much more interesting for Skiles as neither Villanueva or Sessions have a clue on D.  We expect that at any moment now, Skiles will be sending us a thank you note and gift basket.  We will make sure not to eat anything in said basket for fear of ingesting poison.  Next question?”

ESPN’s genuinely brilliant stat-guy John Hollinger stupidly explained why the trade wasn’t such a bad idea for Milwaukee by saying that not only did it save the Bucks a bunch of money they would’ve had to pay RJ, but it was basically just a trade of RJ for Villanueva and Sessions.  Personally, I don’t think it should be considered a trade if the team already had all the players involved.  And yeah, sure if you get rid of one of your best players for nothing, you’ll save money.  I suggested to Hollinger that the Lakers should give Kobe away for some dental floss, and then in return they could be assured to sign their own free agents of Odom & Ariza.  Not only would this save them a ton of money, but hey it’s basically just a trade of Kobe for Odom, Ariza & all common sense.  Hollinger mumbled, “Hmm, that could work.  Lemme crunch the #s and get back to you.”